quattuor annis

 Java, not a day goes by that I do not think of you. It seems like only yesterday that I had to say goodbye, not four years. I miss you buddy. The concept of a "higher power" eluded me early in my recovery. Then I had an epiphany: You are my higher power. I know you know this but I will say it anyway - I look to you for guidance and support. Sometimes I feel you right there with me. I am grateful for that and for actually realizing it. 

I will repeat the last words you heard me say - you are a good boy and I love you.

Day 1095

It would be nice if that Rainbow Bridge thing is true...see ya soon.

Two Years Gone

The weather is beautiful, wish you were here.

The Watch

waiting on a friend

The Wabbit

 Be vewy vewy quiet, I’m looking for that cwazy wabbit.

 

The Dream

I rarely remember dreams. I remember I had a dream about Java the other night. He used to stand at the bottom of the stairs and bark once; like he was asking to be invited up. I would say "come on" and he would start his slow climb. The single light on the stove gives enough light, around the corner and through the living room, that standing at the top, I can see shapes pretty well looking down the stairway and around the bottom of it. That night I couldnt sleep and I got up around 2 am. Returning from the bathroom, I looked down the stairs as I walked past as I routinely do, and went back to bed to try again.

In the dream, it was the same thing all over again. As I was returning to the bedroom, I turned my head and looked down the stairs. I saw the outline of a large dog starting to climb the stairs. There was no more definition to it, the rest was shadows. I accepted that it was Java coming upstairs and continued back to bed to try to sleep again.

I ended up getting only about 2 hours sleep. But for a moment in there somewhere, Java was home.

The Pain

Lennox,

I am sorry you were abducted, and for no fault of your own.
I am sorry you were kept from your family, in a dirty hole, in secret.
I am sorry you were treated so poorly during that time.
I am sorry for the confusion, loneliness, and heartbreak you felt.
I am sorry for the anguish your family had to endure.
I am sorry you were prevented from seeing your family one last time.
I am sorry you were made out to be a monster.
I am sorry the courts failed you.
I am sorry you suffered for so long.

I am sorry that a handful of humans couldn't see their way to sparing your life. But I want you to know how many hundreds of thousands of other humans were at your side. We did our best.

I am so sorry.

The Ears

"You wanna go out?"

Everybody talks to their dogs. Of course they cant talk back. But nobody said anything about sign language.

The Gift

Its been 10 months since that day in July. Saying goodbye to Java was one of the most painful things I have ever had to do. The only thing that even comes close to consolation is that it was what was best for him. That's the dark side of having dogs. But this is about the good stuff, so let's start at the beginning...

May 1997
It was my birthday. Hopefully, just another day. Rebekah came over and said she had a birthday gift for me. I noticed she also had a suspiciously devious grin on her face. As instructed, I followed her out to the sunken patio, where she told me to wait. She ran up the stairs to the driveway and disappeared, with me following when she yelled for me. Being a fan of good surprises (and a fan of Rebekah's), I didn't try to guess what it was. I wanted the full effect of whatever she had in store for me. Well, I should have maxed the protection on my photometric Rayban's. Rebekah was walking towards me with a huge paper shopping bag, printed with balloons and confetti with a big yellow bow on it, her smile a mile wide. In the bag, there was puppy peaking out of the top of it.

"You want me to do what?"

  Java at the helm in the Petco lot just before being birthday bagged.

It was a full blown, off the rails, OMFG moment. Heart thumping, I was reduced to a blithering idiot. homina, homina, homina...I stammered "Holy shit, is that a puppy?" Yes, genius. That's a puppy. Rebekah had another shopping bag, purple with ribbons and more confetti with a big purple bow on it. In addition to the small dog, these bags were filled with everything the recipient of a surprise birthday puppy might need. From a tiny puppy crate, puppy food, cleaning wipes, and a dog license form to puppy toys, a disposable camera, puppy food & water bowls, a puppy book titled "Surprise Puppy? - Your Life Will Never Be the Same", a puppy collar and leash, 2 more cameras, a puppy training guide and last but not least, more toys. Something else caught my eye. At the very bottom of the purple bag, almost completely hidden by all the brilliantly colored tissue paper,  was a small white card about half the size of a playing card. On one side in barely perceptible, flowing script was written "If we know ourselves, we're always home, anywhere." On the other side was a smeared black stamp - "this item non-returnable".

It was the beginning of a 14 year saga of love and laughter, comfort and companionship with many adventures and lots of wagging tails and sloppy licks.

Receiving the first of many obligatory "He is just so cute" goochie gooze.

This is all Milton's fault. Had I not been hanging around with him so much, I dont think Rebekah would've had the idea to get me my own dog. Now, I will never be without at least one. They are so much better to be around than most humans.

3 boys

Java doing his best WTF after being restricted from roaming the countryside without adult supervision.

The Condition

Everyone's heard of that saying "Love means never having to say you're sorry." Its a line from the movie "Love Story". It has been quoted, misquoted and parodied (like "being from Jersey means never having to say you're sorry") a zillion times. I was trying to think of a way to clone it into something about unconditional love. You know, the kind you'll never get from a human. On my white board I wrote "unconditional love means never having to say _ _ _ _ _ _" and stared at it for a couple of weeks, getting nothing. Then I was watching Nicky watching me, wagging his tail right up to his neck with that "Yeah, and now what?" look on his face and wishing for the Nth time that my dog could talk to me, if only for a moment.

Then it dawned on me.

The Maw

Doubles anyone?

Dog's got ball!

The Memorial

Three years ago I made this vow. That time came in July.
Occasionally I give it a pat and say "good boy".
He'll always be right there.
♦ Gone But Not Gone ♦

The Goodbye

Java
03-22-97 ~ 07-09-11
He will be sorely missed.

He was my friend, my partner, my defender, my dog. I was his life, his love, his leader. He was mine, faithful and true, to the last beat of his heart.

Home - is where I want to be
But I guess I'm already there
Guess that this must be the place
I can't tell one from the other
Did I find you, or you find me?
There was a time Before we were born
If someone asks, this where I'll be . . . where I'll be

Hi yo We drift in and out
Hi yo sing into my mouth
Out of all those kinds of people
You got a face with a view
I'm just an animal looking for a home
Share the same space for a minute or two
And you love me till my heart stops
Love me till I'm dead

Talking Heads

The Bridge

Preface: I can never read it without falling into the well. A well so deep, the bottom must be a long, long time ago. I know that well as "The Leaving". Its about love, loss and letting go...



Whenever I drive by a large field, I am reminded of it. Grass as far as the eye can see. A few small stands of trees here and there, but green grass to the horizon. That's what fields like that were made for. I imagine it being my back yard. I go out there and whistle for Java and Nicky. I wait a minute or two and then over the hill they come, running as fast as they can, just so happy that Im calling them. Yes, thats what fields like that remind me of. It's dream stuff.

...but perhaps behind the tears and the breathless desolation, is the other side of The Leaving: resolution, reconciliation and reunion, the sweetest of all.

I have to go now, falling into that well is something I need to avoid tonight. But you are welcome to read it.

Java running at the park

Rainbow Bridge

When an animal dies that has been especially close to someone here, that pet goes to Rainbow Bridge. There are meadows and hills for all of our special friends so they can run and play together. There is plenty of food and water and sunshine, and our friends are warm and comfortable. All the animals who had been ill and old are restored to health and vigor; those who were hurt or maimed are made whole and strong again, just as we remember them in our dreams of days and times gone by.

The animals are happy and content, except for one small thing: they miss someone very special to them; who had to be left behind. They all run and play together, but the day comes when one suddenly stops and looks into the distance. The bright eyes are intent; the eager body quivers. Suddenly he begins to break away from the group, flying over the green grass, his legs carrying him faster and faster. YOU have been spotted, and when you and your special friend finally meet, you cling together in joyous reunion, never to be parted again. The happy kisses rain upon your face; your hands again caress the beloved head, and you look once more into the trusting eyes of your pet, so long gone from your life but never absent from your heart.

author unknown

The Postcard

Dear Java -

;; ;; ;;; <== That's Sam-e's favorite key. Now I'm typing.
My name is Bella and I am a cat but I have some questions that a dog might be able to answer.

First off, when you play fetch with your human what do you do when they get distracted and dont notice that you've brought the toy back to them?

If it's dinnertime and you or your human can't clear the
plate, well, of course you want to bury what's left for
later. This is difficult to do when the floor is carpeted
or tiled. I try to dig up around the dish to cover it but
I haven't been successful yet. Any hints?

This last question is from Sam-e, keep in mind that he's
"portly" to say the least. On a hot day when you hang out
belly up in the middle of the living room floor, trying to
cool yourself, what's the easiest way to get back on your
feet quickly in an emergency?

Sincerely,

Bella & Sam-e

The Covers

Nicky must be under the covers. If a paw or the end of his tail sticks out, he must reconfigure to get the desired coverage. This is the first time this been caught on video. I have to remain very nonchalant and look like I'm busy doing something. If he notices me looking at him, he freezes in mid fluffle and his look is "Whuh?", like Vinnie Barbarino.

The Shadows

My shadow. Or my shadows as it were. As I hope it will stay that way for as long as possible. They are with me (or is it I with them?) almost all the time. I honestly don't know what I would do without them, will do without them...

In "My Dog Skip", the kid's dad said "Dogs die. They get sick. They run away, get hit by cars. They're a heartbreak waiting to happen." I think about that inevitable eventuality every day. More than once.

Oh woe I will be.

The Slippers

There's no place like home, there's no place like home...

The Ball

The Master

He is lost without me and I without him. His heart is as pure as they come. Were I to disappear, he would sit at the window that overlooks the driveway for god only knows how long. Were he to disappear, I cannot grasp the grief that would consume me. I feel as though I would pine away for him until I vanished into thin air.


He is so uncomplicated. A tennis ball, the good bone and the occasional dollop of peanut butter licked off a finger fulfills his picture of the world. So little to be so happy. No cares about mortgages or retirement funds. No regrets about anything. Joy that knows no bounds, for no particular reason. The quintessence of being.


He is the Master, not I.